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“My abusive husband never told me what I should wear, but I ended up avoiding the clothes he didn’t like anyway.

One day I came to the kitchen wearing a black blouse.  My husband screwed up his face and asked me why I was wearing black.  (He believed it was the colour of evil).  He said I looked ugly in that blouse and that he didn’t like it.  I told him that was fine, he didn’t have to wear it.

Then he brought our 5 year old son into the room.  “Mummy doesn’t look good in black, does she?” he asked our child.  Looking at his father and knowing very well that it’s best to agree, he nodded.  “Yes, black is not a nice colour, Mummy,” he told me.

Fuming that he’d involve our child, I told him that he is not to comment on my clothes again, nor involve our child. And that set him off…  He lectured me for two hours on how I should work on my reactions to improve myself, how he has a right to give his views, and so on.  In total, the discussion about the blouse lasted three hours.

A month later, I was choosing my outfit, and I went to reach for my black blouse, but then I hesitated.  Was it worth the hassle?  Did I really have the energy to go through all that again?  I decided I didn’t and I chose something else.

And this is exactly how coercive control works. You learn to choose the easier option just to keep the peace and avoid the negative consequences. And bit-by-bit you fall in line with how they want you to be, until eventually there is no part of you left.  Everything ‘you’ is exactly how they want it.

–  Anonymous

You’re probably familiar with some forms of domestic violence, such as physical or verbal abuse.  There is a more subtle type of abusive behaviour that is equally if not more, harmful.  COERCIVE CONTROL is a strategic form of ongoing oppression and terrorism used to instil fear and is similar to stalking.  The abuser will use certain tactics as a controlling effort.  The intention of coercive control is subjugation of the victim and total control by the abuser.  This usually happens over an extensive period of time and begins so subtly that the victim does not realise that he or she is being controlled, until it is in some cases, too late.

There are several examples of coercive control, and a few thereof might include –

1.         ISOLATING YOU FROM YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM

A controlling partner will try to cut you off from friends and family or limit contact with them so you do not receive the support you need. 

A few ways in which they achieve this, include –

1. suggesting shared phone and social media accounts for convenience;
2. moving them far away from their family so that it’s hard to visit them;
3. fabricating lies about them to others;
4. monitoring all their phone calls with their family and cutting the line off if anyone tries to intervene;
5. monitoring their emails and messages;
6. convincing them that their family hates them and doesn’t want to talk to them.

I had a client a few years back in a domestic violence matter, who was inter alia informed by her husband that, should she keep making contact with her parents that he would inform her parents “exactly what kind of person she was”.  She only realised the extensity of the abuse she suffered, after she finally had the courage to leave her husband – it was only when her head was “cleared” that she realised he knew very well that her parents would never abandon her, he simply (through knowing her so well) realised the effect this would have on her mental state, seeing that she couldn’t face disappointing her parents.

2.         MONITORING YOUR ACTIVITY DURING THE DAY

Abusers pursue coercive control through attempts to make themselves omnipresent.  They do this by wiring your house with cameras or recording devices, sometimes using two-way surveillance to speak to you at home during the day.  This invasive surveillance often extends to private areas, such as the bedroom and even the bathroom, adding an element of humiliation to what is already a clear boundary violation.  All of this allows them an added element of control and also serves as a reminder to you that they’re watching.

Someone exerting coercive control might try to control your freedom of movement and independence.  They take control over facets of your every-day life, like as where you can go, whom you can see, what you may wear and when you may sleep.  Other ways may include –

1. not allowing a person to be employed;
2. not allowing someone to study or go to school;
3. restricting their access to transportation;
4. stalking a person’s every move when they are out;
5. taking their phone and changing all their passwords;
6. changing their phone number so that friends may not contact them telephonically
7. Tracking a person via online communication tools or making use of spyware.

I remember a client in a Children’s Court matter, where the father would fix a go-pro camera to his daughter’s head, while she was visiting him which the little girl had to wear the whole time – so that she couldn’t phone her mother (the safe parent) while at her father’s place of residence – without him hearing every word of the conversation.  

3.         LIMITING YOUR ACCESS TO MONEY

Controlling finances is a way of restricting your freedom and ability to leave the relationship.  Some ways they’ll try to exert financial control include:

1. placing their victim on a strict budget that barely covers the essentials, such as food or clothes;
2. limiting their access to bank accounts;
3. hiding financial resources;
4. preventing them from having a credit card;
5. rigorously monitoring what they spend.

I once had a client in a divorce matter, whose husband would work away during the week.  He would then make a calculation to the dot of the amount of petrol she needed in the vehicle he left at home for her, to take the children to and from school and to go to the shops exactly twice a week.  He would leave her with cash to buy certain household items only.  He would then also inform a local security company that his wife was in a fragile mental state, and that they should assist him with informing him should she leave the home after dark.

4.         REINFORCING TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLES

Regardless of the type of relationship you have, your partner may try to make a distinction between who functions as the man and the woman in the relationship.

They’ll attempt to justify that women are homemakers and mothers, while men are the breadwinners.  Using this argument, they may coerce you into taking care of all the cleaning, cooking, and childcare.  If the woman is lucky enough to be employed, the man would for example take a photograph of dishes or laundry that still had to be done, to humiliate the woman.

5.         CRITICISM

Malicious put-downs, name-calling, and frequent criticisms are all forms of bullying behaviour.  These are designed to make the victim feel unimportant, worthless and deficient.  In this manner, the victim would in an effort to keep the peace and avoid negative consequences, do exactly as their abuser tell them and become without realising it, completely controlled by the abuser.

6.         GASLIGHTING

The abuser must always be right, and they will force the victim to acknowledge this.  They’ll manipulate, lie, and gaslight to get their way and convince you that you’re wrong.

Gaslighting is a very serious form of emotional abuse that makes you question your beliefs and perception of reality.  Over time, this type of manipulation can wear down your self-esteem and self-confidence, leaving you dependent on the person gaslighting you.  The term itself comes from the 1938 play “Gas Light,” later released as the 1940 and 1944 movies “Gaslight.”  The story follows a husband who isolates and manipulates his wife with the end goal of institutionalising her.

A very simple example of gaslighting is, say your partner comes home from work, expecting dinner to be served.  They said they wanted steak before they left.  When you serve dinner, they might throw it on the floor, scream, and yell that they wanted burgers, claiming that you’re too stupid to follow simple directions.  You then find yourself questioning your own memory, apologising, and re-making dinner.

Have you ever heard the word “only you remember it that way” from a life partner?  Then you were a victim of gaslighting.

Through using gaslighting effectively, the abuser is enabled to coercively control you.

7.         THREATENING YOUR CHILDREN OR PETS

If physical, emotional, or financial threats don’t work as desired, your abuser may try to use threats against others in an attempt to control you.  For example, your kids or pets may be at risk.

Examples include –

1. making violent threats against them;
2. threatening to call social services and say that you are neglecting or abusing your children when you aren’t;
3. intimidating you by threatening to make important decisions about your kids without your consent;
4. threatening to kidnap your children or get rid of your pet.

Other examples of coercive control include –

1. assault or rape;
2. threatening to expose or publish private information;
3. criminal damage, i.e. destruction of household goods;
4. requiring the victim to take part in criminal activity such as shoplifting, neglect or abuse of children to encourage self-blame and restrict disclosure to authorities
5. enforcing rules and activities which embarrass, degrade, or dehumanise the victim;
6. depriving them of basic needs or access to support services, i.e. medical services.

The long-term effects of this sort of abuse go further than individual episodes of interpersonal violence.  Coercive and controlling abuse effects a survivor’s sense of security, identity, autonomy, and his or her attachments to others.  With no understanding this dynamic and its full impact, victims who have survived this specific type of trauma continue to be detached by the complexity of their experiences and their needs for healing are misinterpreted and unmet.

This perspective is globally pervasive and dangerous on multiple levels.  When victims escape their terror, they experience further psychological isolation, where the true harm of their experience is not recognised and society, as a whole, is left unprotected from predatory and authoritarian control.

The primary consequence of coercive control is a condition of entrapment that can be hostage-like in the harm it inflicts on self-esteem, freedom, independence and personhood as well as to physical and psychological integrity.  Affected individuals may fear staying in the relationship but feel unable to leave due to the entrapment that they encounter, even when they report no physical violence.

In the case of S v Engelbrecht 2005 (2) SACR 41 (W), Judge Satchwell considered the complexities of domestic violence as follows and referred to coercive control in his judgment as follows:

“I agree with the argument that the wide definition of ‘domestic violence’ in the DVA is unequivocal recognition by the Legislature of the complexities of domestic violence and the multitude of manifestations thereof.  It must be accepted that domestic violence, in all manifestations of abuse, is intended to and may establish a pattern of coercive control over the abused woman, such control being exerted both during the instances of active or passive abuse as well as the periods that domestic violence is in abeyance”.

What is disconcerting, is that the person perpetrating the coercive control usually knows full well the damage that they are doing to their victim.  After ending the relationship, the abuse sometimes far surpasses the abuse that happened during the relationship itself.  Oftentimes, when the abuser realise that they can no longer control your every move, they try to control how others see you.  This misinformation is a continuance of the coercive control exerted during the relationship.

A COERCIVE PARENT IS AN UNFIT PARENT

Where the parties to the relationship had children together, this abuse then often passes on to the children, therein that the abuse affects the children on various levels, i.e. the abuser –

4. creates a sense of fear that pervades all elements of the safe parent’s life;
5. strategically manipulates family, friends, or the community into conflict with the safe parent to remain in control and to gain an advantage;
6. constantly belittles, undermines, shames and criticizes the safe parent;
7. Imposes a false narrative to make the safe parent doubt their reality, memory, and perceptions.

It may be argued that a coercively controlling parent is an unfit parent.  While concentrating on reasons hereunder wherein the coercive controlling parent is the father, research has shown that both men and women can be domestically abusive parents.

There is a myth that a coercively controlling man who perpetrates domestic violence and abuse might actually be a fit father.  This myth is put forward in various ways, inter alia –

“His treatment of his wife is irrelevant to his role as a father.”

“The domestic abuse is historic, it has no relevance to his contact with his children today.”

“Men can be bad partners but good fathers.”

“He is not mistreating the children, that is just his parenting style.”

Sadly, domestic abuse victim-survivor mothers who are trying to protect their children from harm, report that they are told this, or variations of this, over and over again.

Dr Emma Katz in her article “Decoding coercive control” published on her website dremmakatz.substack.com, mentioned the following ten reasons as to why a coercively controlling man is an unfit father, namely –

1. Having power and control over his family means far more to the coercively controlling father, than his children’s welfare.
2. He attacks one of the most vitally important things in the children’s lives – their mother.
3. The “good times” are manipulation or a means to an end.
4. He is teaching the children appalling lessons in life.
5. He does not show any genuine remorse for times when he has traumatised the children, upset them, broken his promises to them and let them down.
6. His parenting comes from a place of selfishness and self-centeredness.
7. He divides the family from each other, weakening their bonds to increase his own power.
8. He cannot meet the children’s developmental needs.
9. He impoverishes the children by impoverishing their mother.
10. He creates instability in the children’s lives.

According to Dr Katz, what an abusive coercively controlling father also does, is he lies.  He is a manipulator, which situation prevents his children from getting the help they need.  He lies about and denies the abuse, “and by lying about the character and actions of his partner/ex-partner, he interferes with the ability of professionals to properly assess the situation.  If he were truthful, professionals may properly safeguard his children and promote the children’s real best interests, but his lies and manipulations often stop this from happening.  Furthermore, his lies and manipulation in his community (painting himself as the good guy and his partner/ex-partner as a bad person) often prevent people such as the children’s neighbours or teachers from understanding the real situation that the children are stuck in.  This cuts off vital supports that the children and mother might otherwise receive from community members.”

RECOGNISING THE HIDDEN POWER AGAINST WOMEN

According to Lisa Aronson Fontes, a psychologist at the University of Massachusetts and the author of Invisible Chains:  Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship, much behaviour that goes on in relationships would not be considered abusive by a criminal or even a family court.  Her context is American;  in South African society, with its traditional views of patrimony and the subservient role of women, this is even truer.  Initially, the controller may seem like a saviour, especially if a woman has children and/or limited resources (think of “sugar daddies”).  Over time, “…the controlling behaviours suppress conflict.  One member of the couple…is deprived of the resources she needs – such as money, friends and transportation…” The controller seeks to isolate his partner socially, and often financially, making her dependent on him.  He may stalk her, watching her movements via technology, and micromanaging her daily life.  Even a strong woman can be worn down by the constant threat of entrapment and the fear of displeasing her partner. 

Eventually the controlled woman starts to doubt herself.  Controlling partners can be persuasive, charming and outwardly very genial, which is why friends and family often don’t believe the woman’s claims of emotional abuse.  This is the abuser’s hidden power.  The combination of her partner’s manipulation and her friends’ disbelief leads to self-doubt and disorientation.  The woman may lose her own grip on reality, often encouraged by her partner’s gaslighting behaviour.  The man often belittles the woman, and degrades her.  While this can be verbal, it is often sexual – involving coercion and humiliation.

When a man views a woman as property and treats her with disrespect and disdain, it is only a matter of time before physical violence enters the scene.  This is also part of the control – physical abuse creates a climate of fear and stops the woman from seeking help or running away.  If she does, it is extremely common for the man to come after her. 

It is important to take into account that physical violence also includes damage to property.  Female clients often confide in me that they were afraid of their abuser, not necessarily due to assault on their own bodies, but due to the abuser damaging their own or the abuser’s property, i.e. by hitting washing machines, fridge doors, car doors, smashing glasses into pieces with their bare hands etc. 

In other words – coercive control may start out very subtly at first.  Your partner may have a loving conversation with you about how for instance they believe the two of you should stay in contact throughout the day, by informing each other where you are and you may see this as a sign of his devotion to you.  But over time, you realise with a shock that you every move are being controlled through this “loving gesture”.  Or your partner may have acted in an abusive way the previous night, while the next morning have a conversation with you about how their father believed that one should start every morning afresh, thereby controlling you to forgive their abuse without any explanation or proper discussion.  Over time, you get used to never receiving an explanation from your partner.

A few years into the relationship, your partner then start damaging property in your direct vicinity, to instil even more fear into you.  Eventually, the abuse may turn to physical violence against your body.  It is however important to note that psychological abuse by way of inter alia coercive control does not necessarily turn into physical abuse.  Some abusers have learned through previous mistakes made with ex-partners and keep their abuse well hidden.

POSITION IN SOUTH AFRICAN LAW

Although our country has come a long way to protect the victims of domestic violence, there is still much to be done by way of informing and training members of the legal profession in general and also specific role players in the fight against domestic violence, i.e. police officers, court clerks, therapists and psychologists, social workers, the Offices of the Family Advocate and even Magistrates – of and into the finer intricacies and nuances of domestic violence.

In some European countries, coercive control is now viewed as a criminal offense.  In the USA, active advocating for coercive control to be viewed as an offence, is ongoing.  It should be recognised globally that the recipient of coercive control experiences serious limits that it places on their basic human rights, such as freedom of movement and independence.  Coercive control is far more detrimental than physical violence and carries a long-lasting impact on a person’s sense of well-being.  Criminalising coercive control helps raise awareness, provides validation, and offers protection.

In South Africa, the Domestic Violence Act, Act 116 of 1998 is the law that deals with domestic violence.  The terms ‘coercive behaviour’ and ‘controlling behaviour’ were formally introduced into South African law by the Domestic Violence Amendment Act 14 of 2021.  The DVA provides that the violation or breach of any conditions contained in an existing protection order is an offence.  Convicted abusers will be liable to a fine or imprisonment for a period not exceeding five years or, alternatively, to both such fine and imprisonment.

However, notwithstanding this relevant laws in South Africa, there are many role players in the family law system in South Africa, not properly trained in the intricacies of coercive control i.e. on how to recognise the signs thereof, the damages it causes to save parents and children and who are still viewing domestic violence as “historic” and that it has no influence on the unsafe parent’s ability to parent or relevance to the children’s well-being. 

There are court officials neglecting to issue interim protection orders under the Domestic Violence Act where no physical abuse is immediately present or recognisable from the content of victim’s affidavits and there are even more court officials neglecting to issue interim protection orders where parties are in the process of divorce, arguing that allegations of abuse are omnipresent during divorce proceedings between parties.  It may be argued that these court officials are neglecting their duties to the court and to society i.e. protecting the rights of women and children against domestic abusers.

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Please note that the information provided in this blog post is general in nature and should not be construed as legal advice. For specific legal guidance, we encourage you to reach out to our team of experienced attorneys.